Nine (edited) thoughts I found on my phone

One

The floor is like quick sand

I try my best to navigate this wasteland

You push him

then pull his chest close to you

I don’t know if it’s my right to intervene

(but seeing that has ruined my night)

I sip my finished drink

only tasting ice.

Two

How are they so powerful and satisfying

Source to greatness

Eyes close, off I go

Into the land of nothingness 

Where everything is possible

…

I wake oh so satisfied.

Three

Is death always a bad thing?

This attachment that I have makes me

long for something that I cannot have

The tighter I try to hold on

the more it pains me

How transitory life is

always escaping our grasp. 

Four

I can never express it well in words

This sharp and acidic feeling

All too sour

and not enough sugar 

Is it because it’s something that I don’t have? That I cannot have?

Or something that I gave up?

The life that I choose not to live plays right in front of my eyes

Yet, I know

that I’d give it up all over again.

Five

The good is always too good

and the bad too bad

They acted on their beliefs

shaping their own morality in the process

What is crime? Humanness?

I know they have suffered for it

Paid the price

(I think I don’t like superhero movies anymore)

Six

Who was I back then

(A mess of feelings of trying to fit in)

I was too sharp in all the wrong places and tried to soften

myself into a blob of nothingness

I pleased everyone but

myself

That’s why when the people around me were gone

I broke down, who was I

(If there was no one to please? No expectations to fulfil?)

Who was I when there was only me?

I tried this and that

(I am still learning to speak up)

(I am still learning to be brave)

(I am still learning that this me is okay)

(I am still learning to be comfortable in my own skin)

Seven

I am both disappointed and relieved when it’s not you.

I like my image of you. So pristine, untouched perfection and oh so wonderful.

Does that mean I don’t know you well enough, that I only see the good because I look up to you? 

You have all the things I lack, all the things I want to improve on.

I want to be there. Not with you but where you are. 

I still see you in other people. 

In the crowd I think it’s you but it’s not.

What do you think that means?

That I still see you in everyone. 

Eight

Such love I feel

and part guilt

(appreciate the food that a person cooks for you)

all your sacrifices and your silence

what you have taught me

(mentally, emotionally, spiritually)

you instilled parts of you in me

until i realised

(i am actually made up from parts of you)

no matter how far we grow to be

i will always be parts of you.

Nine

There’s a freedom to you

that doesn’t exist in this world.

Hello world

I’m having my first go at blogging (yes, I am probably too late to the game, but I always wanted to try it and better later than never, amirite?)

So hi there, person on the internet that somehow found my blog (legit, hello, hi, I swear I am still this awkward in real life), I am thankful that you took some time out of your day to spend some time to read these words in this tiny corner of the internet-verse.

I will try to introduce myself with currently what I think is the three most ‘me’ things (aka what I identify as me in this current moment).

  1. I am an introvert – in all the wonderful and awkward ways. It actually took me a while to learn this about myself, but after learning and accepting that I am an introvert, holy moly, it kind of changed my life forever( but I will definitely blog about personalities in another post, when I have the time and space to talk about it all).
  2. I really like (being) a contradiction – this one is kind of hard to explain but I think it happens probably because I am too volatile on the surface but have a constant underlying stream of stability deep within me? Will explore this further.
  3. I really love learning – in both the nerdy and non-nerdy kind of ways (question – is it nerdy for me to say that there is non-nerdy learnings? heheh). I always enjoy an intellectual challenge (the intellectual part I always enjoyed but the challenge part was something that I developed as I used to shy away at challenges). But yeah, I love first knowing what I don’t know, then slowly turning that unknown into a amorphous knowing (present tense as I don’t think I will ultimately know enough to turn it into a known). Also I like to pick up things (pottery, zelda, origami, books about the physics of time etc) for like one month to a few years. Also, books bring me so much joy.

Well, I hope that was enough information for you to get some sense of how I see myself. I really enjoyed writing it.

Until next time. H.